


A Shadow from Her Past

by SnowyAria



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Coming Out, F/M, Other, Samurai, Shinsengumi - Freeform, Swordfighting, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 07:15:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19352092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnowyAria/pseuds/SnowyAria
Summary: Okita Souji hid that she felt like a woman in her lifetime, but decided she'd accept herself when she became a Servant after death. No one knew her old self here, so she could start anew and ignore her past. That is, until her Shinsengumi comrade Hijikata Toshizou joined her in Chaldea. Now she's forced to confront her past and the man who threw everything open.





	A Shadow from Her Past

# A Shadow from Her Past

              Okita’s heart skipped a beat as a familiar figure emerged out of Chaldea’s summoning grid. She recognized that large coat and messy black hair instantly as a warrior and friend she fought with in her past life. Now however, she inched backwards, afraid to see him again.

              “Shinsengumi Vice Commander Hijikata Toshizou. Class? That doesn’t matter. As long as I’m here, this is the Shinsengumi.” The man’s tone demanded obedience; his words unquestionable as if written in stone.

              _I’m not ready for this,_ Okita thought in a panic, slowly backing up towards the door. She kept her eyes locked on the grimly serious swordsman.

              “It’s nice to meet you, Vice Commander,” Master replied with a smile. “You might be happy to know Okita Souji is here as well.”

              _Damnit Master!_ Okita cursed, really wishing she hadn’t told Hijikata about her yet. Okita hastened her steps backwards, but roughly slammed into another servant who came to watch. All eyes turned to her, including her former Vice Commander.

              “It’s good to see the Shinsengumi alive and well,” he called out, briskly clearing the distance to her in no time.

              “I’m glad I could see you again, Hijikata-san,” Okita replied timidly with a weak wave. She tried to read his expression, but emotion was never clear on his face. He just furrowed his eyebrows.

              “Why are you so… pink?” he asked bluntly, glancing down at her magenta and cotton-candy-pink samurai garb.

              “I-I just…” Okita stuttered. Putting her feelings into words was already difficult, let alone with the intense pressure of Hijikata’s gaze boring down on her. “…being true to myself…” was all she could bear to mutter.

              “You were always rather feminine for a guy, I suppose,” Hijikata replied, dismissing the topic.

              “No, that’s not…!” Okita shouted in panic, turning more heads in the process. This many eyes on her, after he uttered the words she didn’t want to hear.

              _For a guy._

              _“Wait, Okita’s a guy?” “That explains all the pink.” “Ugh, that’s just gross.” “Why can’t he just be normal?”_ She couldn’t tell if the voices were in her head or from the servants around her, but their gazes drove her back against the wall.

              “No… I’m… a woman,” she mumbled before tears blurred her vision.  She turned and bolted out of the summoning room, sprinting alone down the white hallway.

* * *

              Okita stood barefoot in one of the natural grass gardens inside of Chaldea. She gripped her katana with sweaty hands, feeling the room’s artificial breeze against her face. She raised her sword up, sliding her lead foot forward through the grass, then swiftly swung down at an imaginary target’s head.

              “ _Men!”*_ she shouted, her back leg snapping forward just as the blade reached its target. One more swing while stepping backwards made the count 400. She paused for a break, sheathing her sword and reaching for her bottle of water. She focused on the cool water flowing down her throat, but this was nowhere near enough exertion to clear her head.

              _I hid these thoughts during my lifetime. That I didn’t feel like a man, that I was a woman inside. I desperately wanted to confide in someone about it. But admitting that, I would have lost everything. I’d be kicked out of the Shinsengumi. Why did having the life of a samurai mean a life of lies to myself? I thought that if I ignored everything, I could just be the strongest warrior out there and feel like I lead my best life. In the end, even that was taken from me by illness. I decided there, in the Throne of Heroes, that I’d accept the part of myself I rejected in life. No one would know the old me. I was certainly not the only servant whose gender differed from the history books._

_But why did he have to ruin it?_

              Frustrated, she tossed the water bottle aside, ripped her katana from its sheath, and began again. She practically threw the sword upwards, then slammed it down against an invisible opponent. She called out her targets, her voice screaming out of her throat. This was far from the flowing grace her swings were known for, but her spirit was not calm.

              “Um…” Okita vaguely heard, but she ignored it and kept swinging.

              “Okita-san!” the voice called again, snapping Okita out of her stupor. She glanced over to see Mashu looking over at her with a concerned expression. “You’re ripping the grass apart, I think you should take a rest,” Mashu called out. Okita looked at her feet, surprised to see blades of grass and mud stuck between her toes.

              “Ah, I’m sorry,” Okita replied with a slight bow. _She’s probably right, I’m getting nowhere with this._ She sighed, putting away her katana for good and wiping her feet on a non-destroyed section of grass. “I don’t suppose you want to spar, Mashu?”

              “I think you would kill me right now,” Mashu replied with a bit of a frown. Okita couldn’t tell if she was attempting a joke or was serious. “Maybe the simulator would be better for venting.”

              “That’s true, maybe I’ll do that,” Okita replied, picking up her water bottle and downing the rest of it.

              “And Okita-san,” Mashu began, before fidgeting a bit in silence. “You’ll always be you, okay? What you were then doesn’t change what you are now. I think he’ll understand too, if you give him the chance.”

              _He’ll understand too, if you give him the chance,_ Okita echoed in her head. Maybe Hijikata wouldn’t care. He respected hard work and dedication. If she was as strong as she was back then, maybe things would work out.

              “That’s it, I need to prove it to him!” Okita shouted, suddenly in a better mood. Mashu looked a bit confused and worried. “If I prove to him that I’m still strong, he’ll be forced to recognize me!”

              “I’m not sure that’s—”

              “Mashu, tell him this for me: ‘I’ll prove I haven’t changed, come to the training grounds and watch the prowess of Okita Souji in action!’”

* * *

              _I fucked up_.

              The King of Heroes Gilgamesh leered back at Okita, his arms crossed and eyebrows raised in amusement. The light of the simulated sun danced off his polished golden armor as he shifted in place.

              “What’s wrong? You were so passionate just a moment ago,” he jeered. She wanted nothing more than to wipe that smug look off his face, but this matchup was hopeless. She thought today was the training grounds for the Saber class, but only in the first round did she realize her opponents were Archers. She managed to squeak through the first two rounds of enemies thanks to her evasion skill and critical hits, but the class disadvantage against her wore her down to just over half health. Gilgamesh’s first attack against her dropped her down to a quarter. She had her evasion ready, but stalling for one more turn would only do so much.

              _Hijikata-san, please don’t be watching!_ she thought to herself, ashamed at her eminent defeat. She’d lose and look weak, then be shunned by the only remaining member of the Shinsengumi. Her only remaining friend from her lifetime.

              “No, I won’t give up!” she shouted, more at herself than the blondie in front of her. She had to make a stand here and fight till the end. Death on the battlefield wasn’t dishonorable; in fact, this is what she was robbed of in life.

              “Good spirit, Okita!” a familiar voice sounded behind her. She turned to see the black-clad samurai stopping next to her, his gun pointed towards the sword-shooting Archer ahead of them.

              “Hijikata-san!? Why are you here!?”

              “We’re a team, Okita. None of us stand alone on the battlefield. You have nothing to prove to me, apart from your resolve to finish this fight. We can still win this, just follow my orders. _Understood_?”

              “H-hai!”

              “Is your evasion ability ready? And what’s your Noble Phantasm charge at?”

              “Yes! And about 75%!”

              “Perfect,” Hijikata replied, then his mouth curled into a vicious smile. “Use your evasion to survive this turn, then use your arts attack to build your Noble Phantasm. Then leave the rest to me.”

              “Yes sir!” Okita barked in response, though she questioned how he intended to win at this rate. One arts move would only charge her ultimate attack by a little bit. But she decided to have faith in her Vice Commander.

              “Haa!” she screamed, rushing into battle with Hijikata close behind with firearm support. Their advance hardly scratched that perfect golden armor, but Okita’s Noble Phantasm gauge filled a tad more.

              The King of Uruk wasted no time retaliating, sending a swarm of swords at Okita. Her body nimbly danced through the blade storm due to her temporary evasion. In response, Gilgamesh changed his target to Hijikata, who hardly flinched as sword after sword pierced his body. Blood flowed down his black vest, blending in with the inner red lining material of his jacket.

              _What now? We’re dead next turn!_ Okita thought in a panic, her head flashing between Gilgamesh and Hijikata. Gilgamesh’s expression seemed to fall from amusement to annoyance at this point.

              “Master!” Hijikata suddenly shouted. Okita turned around in surprise to see the orange-haired Master of Chaldea watching tensely behind them, wearing the orange blouse and black overcoat of the Mage’s Association. “Now!”

              “Yes sir!” Master returned enthusiastically. “Activating Mystic Code skill, Spiritron Transfer!” Okita felt a rush of power flow through her from that spell as her Noble Phantasm gauge instantly filled the rest of the way. _How did they ready a plan so fa-_

“Okita!” Hijikata shouted, interrupting her thoughts. “Use your Noble Phantasm! I’ll finish him off just after.”

              “How are you going to—” Okita began, before a card flashed in Hijikata’s hand, with the image of a wise older man in black surrounded by a rainbow of colors.

              “A Kaleidoscope!” Okita exclaimed. That meant his Noble Phantasm was nearly ready the moment he walked in!

              “Goldie’s attack right now got it the rest of the way, and every sword that pierced my body only makes my onslaught stronger. Now, draw blades and charge!”

              “Hai!” _We can do this!_ Okita thought as she rushed to strike the Golden King. Her sword floated above her head like during practice, but now it flowed lightly and with conviction.

              “Mumyou Sandanzuki!”

              “This is the SHIN! SEN! GUMI!”

* * *

              “We did it, Hijikata-san!” Okita exclaimed, bouncing with excitement.

              “Good work, Okita. I knew you could still fight like you used to,” Hijikata replied, though his expression didn’t look any less sullen. That’s just how Okita expected it to be though.

              “Like I used to,” Okita muttered to herself. She had to ride the adrenaline high of this battle, or she’d never get her problems off her chest.

              “Hijikata-san, please listen! When I was alive, I couldn’t accept the fact that, deep down, I felt like I was a woman. I was scared admitting this would mean losing my place in the Shinsengumi, losing all of my friends, and most importantly, losing you. I thought if I just focused on training and fighting together, I could be satisfied and die fighting in the end. But after falling to illness and finding myself in the Throne of Heroes, I decided I would be honest with myself. I had no friends to lose or a place to be kicked out of, so maybe it wasn’t very brave of me. But I resolved to accept that I’m a woman. And I hope that you’ll respect that.”

              Hijikata sighed and placed a hand on Okita’s shoulder. “I’m glad you’ve accepted who you are. You will always be my fellow warrior. I asked about the pink though since it’s not your uniform. You should be wearing your Shinsengumi haori, Souji.”

              Okita glared at Hijikata, then smiled and launched in for a hug. “You’re not wearing yours either,” she joked before suddenly blushing and jumping backwards.

              “S-Souji!?” she stuttered in shock. “You’ve never called me by my first name! But but—”

              Hijikata shot forward and hugged Okita tightly, his strong grip squeezing her body against his and stopping her words instantly.

              “In this world after our own, I think we have the right to be selfish.”

              “Hey, T-Toshizou?”

              “Yeah?”

              “You’re getting blood on me.”

              “Shut up, Souji.”

**Author's Note:**

> * "Men" in sword swinging refers to the kendo practice of calling out your targets when you strike. "Men" in this case means a strike to the head. "Dou" would be your torso, and "kote" would be your forearms.


End file.
